I wouldn’t have been too upset if this person offered to visit for a mini celebration with mutual friends. I wouldn’t have been angry if he gave a sincere apology rather than defensiveness and silence. Making accessibility a privilege offered only to closest friends or family is horrifically ableist. This person was someone I hung out with regularly, so I assumed we were good friends. But even if we were acquaintances, what he said was dehumanizing. To make things worse, he spouted that quote above knowing I was going through an emotionally vulnerable time in my life. I’m glad I ended that friendship, especially after realizing he was toxic in other ways.
This was not the first time folks invited me to parties that were not accessible.One of my best friend’s mom hosted a party at a local VFW, and we all assumed it was wheelchair accessible because, you know, veterans. But when I got there, there was a flight of stairs. Those friends were as upset and shocked as me, so we partied on another day at home – with ice cream cake. Compassion and following through to solve a problem make all the difference.
It isn’t just about meeting accessibility needs, either. In this guest post by Noemi Martinez, she writes on friends ghosting when our disabilities present themselves in ways that make abled friends uncomfortable:
“Recently, friends went out of my life after . . . we went through some pretty life-changing health scares. Just like we often don’t make conscious decisions on who ends up being our friends, we can’t change when friends feel they are no longer part of the flow of a friendship. We are often left wondering if we were too much.”